"Narcissistic personality disorder ... compris(es) a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." (Medscape)
In my practice, the emotional and psychological injuries I witness most often are caused by some form of Narcissistic Abuse. Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse takes time as it often shatters a person's very sense of self, causing them to question their experiences and perceptions, while triggering persistent feelings of toxic shame. Long term consequences include depression, anxiety and a sense of worthlessness.
Narcissistic Abuse that begins in childhood as a result of being raised within a Narcissistic Family System, or being the scapegoat target of a Narcissistic parent, can result in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (c-PTSD), a traumatic response to abuse that occurs over a long period of time in which the victim had no chance of escape.
The clients I work with who have been deeply injured by Narcissistic Abuse are most often wounded by someone close to them; a parent, a sibling, a husband or wife. Sometimes it's a friend or business partner who betrays them, or a workplace bully that creates havoc. The closer the relationship, the greater the harm. The longer the relationship, the greater the risk of emotional injury.
By nature, Narcissists are parasitic, and need a host in order to thrive. In essence, Narcissists use people to provide them with something referred to as "supply". Supply is whatever feeds the Narcissist's ego, which requires constant stroking in order for them to maintain a sense of superiority.
Supply can be attention, addictive substances, relationships with people who confer status by association, fame, sex, or achievements. It can also be acting negative and belittling, using physical or emotional abuse to exert dominance and control and exploiting others. Essentially, anything that gives the Narcissist a sense of power and control.
The psychological motive of a Narcissist can be reduced to this : Desire for Power and Control.
A tactic known as intermittent abuse uses a disarming combination of charm and harm to play on a victim's perceptions and desire for harmony. Intermittent abuse often occurs in toxic intimate relationships and dysfunctional parent/child relationships, creating a powerful traumatic bond.
Covert methods of abuse include "Gaslighting" in which Narcissists cause their victims to question their perception of reality, invalidating and minimizing thoughts and feelings, making seemingly innocuous comments that are harmful but brushed off by the Narcissist, withholding love and affection, punishing through the "Silent Treatment" and damaging their target's reputation while portraying themselves as a victim. Narcissists often maintain a carefully groomed public persona which offsets criticism as well.
Psychology as a discipline no longer labels behavior as deviant or immoral. In general, psychology medicalizes thinking and behaviors. While this can be helpful in many cases, as in the treatment of anxiety and depression, it can be limiting in understanding Personality Disorders because they are no longer viewed as signs of moral or characterological weakness but as mental disorders.
In the 1950's the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) first formally recognized Character Disorders as more distinct from other forms of mental illness. Personality Disorders like Narcissism were previously understood as "weaknesses of character or willfully deviant behavior", not Mental Illness.
(MentalHelp.net , The History of the Psychiatric Diagnostic System Continued)
Over time, as the field of Psychology sought to be recognized as more scientific it veered away from traditional forms of Psychoanalysis that viewed Personality Disorders as characterological, in favor of more contemporary models of mental illness that were measurable, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Psychoanalysis fell from grace because it's theories could not be tested, and the focus of Psychology became what was observable and measurable.
In 1980, the DSM was updated with a multi-axial diagnostic system that recognized Personality Disorders as a distinct and separate category of mental disorders in their own right, versus vague categories that labeled people with untreatable moral weakness or willfully bad behavior. With this shift, Personality Disorders were now seen as legitimate conditions that psychology could measure and treat.
From a spiritual perspective, the root sin of Narcissism is Pride, and the spirit of the Narcissist is Non Serviam, which means, I Will Not Serve.
Narcissism represents a deprivation of the good that should be there, because Narcissist's subordinate the good of the other to their own end, treating people as utilitarian instruments to meet their own needs. They lack a sense of justice because they deprive others of their just due; whether that be access to the truth, to be treated with dignity and respect rather than the object of their manipulation, or as a target of their envy or loathing.
As Narcissistic behavior has been medicalized and labeled an illness, it evokes the false sense that Narcissists may not really be responsible for their behavior, should be treated with sympathy and understanding, are simply misunderstood victims of bad experiences themselves, or that they can be cured. If you are a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse, it's likely you already know the limits and dangers of medicalizing behavior that can only be rightly understood as
evil, and the risk of maintaining the false hope that the Narcissist will change.
“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” Jean-Paul Sartre
Many of the people I have been privileged to work with have endured difficult upbringings, have been victims of abuse and neglect, struggle with depression and anxiety and many other life challenges. Yet they are help seeking, well-intentioned and do not go on to abuse others. In fact, they are doing the work of healing and recovery in order to stop the cycle of abuse from continuing.
In contrast, Narcissists rarely if ever come into treatment, as they hold the view that they are never wrong,
Some of my clients have made momentous efforts to get their Narcissistic Abusers to take responsibility for the harm they have caused in an effort to maintain a relationship with them. Often, they are re-injured when the Narcissist plays the victim, rewrites history, or lashes out following confrontation.
I believe a better understanding of Narcissism would involve recognizing it as a pervasive pattern of maladaptive behaviors that an individual engages in not solely because they are the victim of environmental or psychological influences, but through choices of the will.
These choices, made over time have a deleterious effect on the character of the Narcissist, because there is a relationship between what we choose to do and what we become.
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