"Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word." - Elton John
Working in mental health exposes me to the "same story, different font" phenomena.
While each person I'm privileged to work with is unique and deserving of respect for their individual journey, I'm often struck by the similarities in patterns of human behavior that cause us pain.
One example is being wronged by someone who then refuses to take responsibility and apologize. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed with feelings of sorrow, anger and resentment which make it difficult to cope.
It's important to remember that a person's lack of willingness to offer an apology has nothing to do with your behavior and everything to do with theirs.
Why Some People Don't Apologize
Among the more benign reasons - which leaves you no less confused, frustrated or hurt is the possibility that the offender lacks emotional intelligence and fails to recognize the impact of their behavior on you, or has trouble reading social cues and lacks the awareness to apologize when necessary.
On both counts, it's not your responsibility to teach someone how to say 'sorry' when they are in the wrong.
BPD and NPD
According to clinical psychologist Daniel Lobel, Ph.D., people with traits of Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders commonly shift blame onto others and fail to take responsibility for the outcome of their actions, which is damaging to relationships.
The motive of their blame shifting is to avoid liability - in other words, to refuse to take responsibility for the damage they have caused. In people with Borderline traits, denying responsibility or shifting blame helps them avoid feelings of self-loathing.
For people with traits of Narcissism, to apologize would conflict with their grandiose self image. Because Narcissists believe they are special and more important than others, they tend to deny having done any harm to anyone, or when they do, feel little to no remorse.
Social Power
A recent study by York University's Joshua R. Guilfoyle and colleagues (2022) revealed evidence that people who prioritize being in control and achieving their own goals are
oriented to engage in "disinhibited ways" and will avoid anything that leads them to feel threatened, uncertain or victimized, including apologizing.
The York University researchers point out that because people who crave social power are self-focused and seek to protect their own image, they will try to shift the blame for wrongdoing or try to appear innocent instead of offering a true apology.
What You Can Do
Understanding why someone refuses to apologize doesn't make their behavior right, but it can help you to cope and make a decision regarding how to respond.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness involves accepting the reality of what happened, and choosing to let go of resentment towards the transgressor.
Forgiveness doesn't mean agreeing that what the other person did was 'okay' or failing to hold them accountable.
It's a choice to let go of any expectation the transgressor will right the wrong they have committed n order to free yourself from living in the past.
It should be noted that forgiveness is a process and is not the same as reconciliation, which involves both parties. It takes two people to reconcile, and only one to forgive.
Forgiveness can occur even if you and the offending party do not continue a relationship.
In fact, depending on the circumstances, it may even be necessary to avoid contact altogether.
Acceptance
If forgiveness is not possible for you and continuing a relationship with someone who caused you pain is not something you wish to do, working towards acceptance may be beneficial.
Acceptance doesn't condone what happened, instead it frees you to accept a painful situation instead of avoiding, ignoring or wishing it were different.
As a result, you can choose how you want to move forward.
The person who hurt you deeply and won't apologize has already stolen enough of your happiness.
It's time to reduce your distress, and focus on healing mentally and emotionally.
In doing so, you release the power and control the offending party has had in your life so that you can move forward in freedom to live in the present.
Great read!